The guy is cast: a morning at Amazing Faces

Butch could almost taste this part. It was made for him. His agent had explained that it was a TV advert that called for a man in his underwear. And if anyone looked good in his underwear, it was Butch.
Two hours of gym, five days a week gives you a body that will do any kind of undies justice, especially the shiny green competition briefs he liked to wear in the Open Men’s division of SA Bodybuilding events.
Butch needed a break into TV. He’d been in a magazine ad for a Verimark exercise machine and he was Mr Eastgate Shopping Centre in 1998. But he was still looking for the opportunity that would introduce him to the viewers of South Africa, and maybe catch the eye of more casting directors in the industry.
So he’d taken the day off from the Sandton Personal Training Gym to come to the offices of Amazing Faces in Greenside. After two hours of waiting, Butch was 17th in the queue and he could see the audition room from where he sat slumped on the floor of the passage.
The other guys at the audition were the usual mix of students, fallen soap stars, the unemployed and part-time models. He recognised a couple of them from the gym. But he knew what their bodies looked like, and he knew he could have most of those okes for breakfast.
No worries there. The main issue was going to be impressing the casting guy with his acting skills. But he had been working on that. He was actually reading a Penguin edition of The Merry Wives Of Windsor to brush up on his improv – and just to make a good impression on the Amazing Faces staff.
Eventually his time came. A hot blonde in a black slacksuit came out with a clipboard and announced, “Butch Varnes!” with a meaningful look at him.
Butch peeled himself off the carpet, smoothed down his slacks, cleared his throat and went into the audition room.
There he found a video camera perched on a tripod, aimed against a beige background screen, which had been put up on the wall three metres away. Behind the camera stood a guy with a scruffy hairdo like the people in Oasis and a sheaf of laser printouts.
“Right… Butch,” he said, before looking up. And then… “Oh.”
Butch made his way to the screen, engaged his camera face and pointed it at the camera.
“Oh, look, ah… Butch,” the casting guy said. “I’m sorry. Someone should have told you already. But you’re really not the kind of guy we’re looking for for this part.”
“What’you mean. I’ve been waiting for three hours!”
“Ja, I’m sorry about that. It’s just, we’re looking for a skinny guy. You’re far too… You’re too big. We need a guy who looks funny in his underwear. You’ll just look like a bodybuilder.”
“But I can act. Why don’t you just give me a chance? What are the lines?”
“There are no lines. It’s just about a guy who forgets to get dressed in the morning and goes to work in his undies. He’s just gotta walk down the road, get in a lift, and go sit at his desk in his guds, without smiling once. It’s to advertise some debit-order service. For forgetful people.”
“I can do that. I know I can.” Butch could feel the tears coming.
“Just give us a chance, man.”
“No really, I don’t think it’s going to work.”
“Listen, oke” The red mist rose, and the next thing he knew, Butch had the casting agent up against the wall of his office by the scruff of his neck. “I’ve waited all morning to show you what I’ve got, now give me a bloody chance, eksê!”
There was a moment of silence, then an awkward squeak from the casting director. “Okay. Show me what you’ve got.”
This was how Butch came to find himself standing in Barry Hertzog Avenue in his bright-green competition briefs, and straining to keep a straight face. As he reached the pavement, he sensed that the director was no longer following him with the camera. Butch was like that – he had natural camera sense.
He turned around just in time for the security gate to slam shut in his face. Two beats later his clothing was thrown over the wall.
“Don’t call us,” he heard the casting director call out from within the compound. “We’ll call you”