Drama, cops and body odour on the Metropole set

It had been a hell of a weekend for Wiaan Nortje, and you could tell. His face had that puffy, pink texture, like a bundle of women’s tennis socks, thought Gillian as she watched him sheepishly sipping his morning coffee and avoiding eye contact.
Of course it had been another big weekend, but Wiaan barely remembered it.
He knew it had kicked off in Sandton at Taboo, where the plebs pay R100 a head to get in, but Jozi’s soap stars are ushered through to private booths like royalty. And it had ended last night at Comedy Underground at Cool Runnings.
Wiaan’s increasingly dire Monday-morning appearances would have cost him his job a long time ago were he not the resident hunk on Metropole, fourth most popular soapie on SA TV.
It also didn’t hurt that he played drug-addled ad exec Rivers Jordaan and was required to look wild eyed and puffy-faced. It certainly made the make-up girl’s job easier.
At 25, Wiaan also fell comfortably into the age range the Metropole producers had deemed ideal for their cast members.
So while Gillian Bogle gymmed and jogged herself to distraction trying to stave off her impending 30s, all Wiaan Nortje had to do was show up wasted.
Still, he wondered, what happened to Saturday?
He must have gone home with one of those models from Taboo, but where would he have watched the rugby? Either the Jolly Roger or the Baron in Chislehurston. Ri-i-i-ight! That was it. It was starting to come back now.
It was only Oz versus New Zealand, so he and his mates Carlo the accountant and Max the model had got a table with a perfect view of the big screen.
The Kiwis won and the next thing Wiaan can remember it was late and they were still there.
Meanwhile, downstairs in the reception of Afterglow Productions, where Metropole was being shot, Detective Thami Jola was getting directions to the soapie studio.
He was starting the week with a celebrity arrest. He didn’t anticipate trouble. Even if he kicked up a fuss, he had the technique to ensure the guy came quietly.
And he’d have a cool story to tell his wife.. “Guess who I arrested today? Rivers Jordaan from Metropole!”
He would be her hero. Now he just needed to find the studio and execute the actual arrest. Stage 2. Here on the first floor…
On Stage 2, Gillian Bogle was bracing herself for her scene with Wiaan. The merciful acting angels had ensured it was not a love scene. But her character, Jane Roper, was supposed to give Rivers a kiss hello when he arrived for their lunch date. That was bad enough.
As he popped a breath mint and cleared his throat, Wiaan wondered what had happened to Saturday night. There was something dark there. He had an image from the Oxford Road Select. Something had happened there. Jeez, they’d been wasted.
“And… action,” came the director’s cue.
As Detective Jola reached the door, the red “Taping” light went on, and he waited politely. When it went out, he knocked softly on the door and was ushered into the studio by a girl with unkempt blonde dreadlocks, a headset and a clipboard.
She made a silent “Shhhh” sign and closed the door. Detective Jola got to watch his suspect complete his last scene as a free man. It was some kind of domestic spat.
“Look, Rivers,” fretted Jane intensely, “If you can’t control your habit, I don’t think we can keep seeing each other.”
“Baby I’m trying,” grimaced Rivers Jordaan. “I’m trying. And I need you now more than ever.”
And they embraced, both sobbing.
“Cut!”
Wiaan got up and went for a drink of water. He was starting to sweat. But he was intercepted on the way to the water cooler.
“Wiaan Nortje?”
“Ja.”
“I’m Detective Jola. Bramley police. You’re under arrest for shoplifting. You were identified from security footage from the Illovo Select.”
The colour drained from Wiaan’s face. And then it all came back to him. The drunkenness, the tomfoolery. Max had created a diversion at the Select, and him and Carlo had helped themselves to ice-creams and run out. Oh! What idiots. And of course they’d recognise him from security footage. He was the fourth-biggest heartthrob on TV.
As Detective Jola cuffed him and led him shamefully out of Afterglow Productions, Wiaan remembered where those King Cones were right now. Under the driver’s seat of his Renault. Melting.